Survivor’s Guilt
As someone that has been living with metastatic breast cancer (mBC) for about 18 years, I feel proud of everything I have been through and how I have focused on trying to thrive after my initial diagnosis.
That feeling of “success” comes at an expense, though. The loss of a good number of friends and acquaintances within my own “cancer world” has been staggering.
I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve personally known who have passed away from this insidious disease. When I pray for them, it can be hard to recall each one by name, so I think of them collectively as my fireflies, sporadically beaming out their beautiful lights in the darkness.
If you are reading this, you likely know what I’m talking about – survivor’s guilt. Survivor’s guilt is a feeling of stress, anxiety or complicated grief in response to surviving a traumatic event that others did not.
With my survivor’s guilt, I’ve often asked myself questions over the years like, “why am I still here?” or “why me and not them?”
Out of the numerous people I’ve known who have since passed away from mBC, two women come to mind who had the exact same cancer diagnosis as mine and have since passed. It’s hard to try to understand why I have been able to survive this disease for as long as I have while others have not.
Losing people that I’ve grown close to through various support groups, and even my workplace, has been hard because I know I will no longer have those personal interactions with them. However, I try to remind myself of what I’ve learned from each one of them. I know that I’ve gleaned the best of their brilliance and will always carry that within me. I’m a changed and better person for having known them.
Beyond my personal bubble, I’ve known countless other beautiful souls through online forums who have not survived mBC. They have been strong advocates for mBC research; it’s been disheartening to hear of their passing, but it’s amazing to see how others pick up their batons and continue the advocacy efforts.
Coping with all this loss can be overwhelming, but it’s helpful to know that this guilt is also a normal part of the grieving process.
So, what do I do with that survivor’s guilt? I could beat myself up every day for not doing more, or not doing enough, but in the end, I think I would still have the same questions. Ultimately, there’s nothing to feel guilty about; but as with many things in life, that’s often easier said than done.
There are many ways to help alleviate survivor’s guilt. Some things that I have found helpful in my personal experience are:
- Doing good in the world: It doesn’t have to be something that is recognized by everyone – just doing a small act of service for a fellow human being is enough. I have found that volunteering with a worthy organization is a good way to help me cope.
- Seeking professional help: I don’t think all humans are created to handle so much loss in their lives, and there’s no shame in seeking therapy.
- Leaning on friends and family: I try to get together with loved ones and relish life’s ups and downs. I know that isolating myself is not a good thing. Being with friends that have also experienced this type of loss is especially helpful.
- Joining a support group: Being part of a support group allows me to understand that I’m not alone in my feelings. Members of a support group know first-hand the wide range of emotions that come with losing someone to mBC.
- Practicing self-care: Taking care of myself is also a big part of managing feelings. I set goals for myself, get regular exercise, nourish my body, practice self-forgiveness, focus on the positive aspects of my life and work hard at getting enough sleep.
Whenever I catch myself experiencing survivor’s guilt, I allow myself to accept those feelings and recognize that they are part of my healing process. I like to try to focus on being the best version of myself and living the best life that I can for those that didn’t get the chance to do the same.
